The following section presents excerpts from an Executive Summary of a Final Technical Report on a new conference registration system created by a software development team in Qatar. The developers believe that the innovative features of their new system make it superior to its competitors. However, their clients (the Qatar National Convention Center) did not find the Executive Summary and Report convincing enough. In the challenges that follow, try to consider the options presented so that the developers can make the most effective case for their audience.

Directions: Identify and improve text that can make the report more effective, in terms of its coherence, concision, and correctness.

Challenge 1: Being Concise:

Your Goal

cutting out unnecessary (already-known, implied or repeated) information.

Concision Example

Less Concise

The goal in having students complete this activity is to show them how concision has the potential to make communication more effective.

More Concise

The purpose of this activity is to show how concision can make communication more effective.

Comments on Response Options

Problem Text

The system is designed for three different types of users, who include the conference managers, the contact from each participating school, and the System Admin.

Option A

“The system is designed for”

This is a good, concise option because it cuts out the most unnecessary information, which allows it to place emphasis on the types of users mentioned.

Option B

“The system’s three types of users include”

This keeps some of the unnecessary information; however, it might only sound good to an audience who is interested in knowing that the system allows more than one type of user.

Option C

“The users supported by the system are”

This cuts out some unnecessary information, but it also changes the sentence emphasis. It would be an effective alternative for an audience placing emphasis on the users instead of the system.