The following section presents excerpts from a student's cover letter for a Web Application Development position at Nintendo of America. The student hopes to impress recruiters with his experience, which, he believes, fulfils the job requirements. However, the recruiters did not find the cover letter convincing enough. In the challenges that follow, try to consider the options presented so that the student can make the most of effective case for the audience.

Directions: Identify and improve text that can help the student use coherence, concision, and correctness more effectively.

Challenge 2: Being Concise

Your Goal

cutting out unnecessary (already-known, implied or repeated) information.

Concision Example

Less Concise

The goal in having students complete this activity is to show them how concision has the potential to make communication more effective.

More Concise

The purpose of this activity is to show how concision can make communication more effective.

Comments on Response Options

Problem Text

I plan to receive my B.S. in Computer Science from Carnegie Mellon, the university that is leading in Computer Science, which has contributed to the quality of my education and my value of teamwork.

Option A

“a leader in Computer Science,”

This option is the most concise and places more emphasis on the university’s position in general. This would be more appropriate for applications in the job industry.

Option B

“a leading university in Computer Science,”

This option is also very concise, allowing the emphasis to be on the university’s position in the academic world. This would work better for graduate school applications.

Option C

“the number one university in Computer Science,”

This option is also very concise, but makes explicit the university’s position in rankings; it would be more appropriate if your purpose is to impress the readers.